Finally we have come to the end of the first week of classes. *sigh* I thought I wanted to write this yet now I'm writing it...... It's not what I hoped it would be.
Should I talk about my frustration with my faith? On one hand we've had some breakthrough, this week we restored light and the fan in the bedroom. We fixed up the air filtration, hopefully that gets better. We moved the last of Sam's stuff into the house, and had a fight over there being too much stuff.
I mean I just went through this huge speech about enduring, which is of course the theme of the current epic section of my life. I mean by epic that it is large in scope and extraordinarily difficult for me. I don't want to imply it is important to anyone else.
I went through this long speech explaining that enduring is ALL we can do at this point. The point is not how we would like it, that is as far from the point as there is. The point is to do what we can. What can we do? Organize, use what we have, and enjoy it. At this point..... I just don't have any other answers. There's this whole thing about trial bringing out your character. This is how I feel mine is manifesting. I am going to endure this, because it won't last forever. Yes it might be months or years. That happens. We are waiting on a God that does not work on our timetable. When you are in the desert waiting on God, the last thing that makes him move is saying that he should. That's counter intuitive, because we think that he will work like a person. He doesn't though.
His ways are higher than our ways, and his timing is his own. Someone much older and wiser reminded me this week: Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but hope fulfilled makes the heart overflow. So right now, I can't invest anymore in hoping for better. It makes me sick, it's killing me. I'm not saying that God won't do it. As far as possible from that. God will move, and in his timing and in his way. When that happens, I think I'll probably be able to tell you more about his love.
For now, what is in front of me? I have some good things to be a good steward of. I enjoy a nice house, nice car, and some good food. I am able to sometimes smoke. I have good drugs, and hopefully I can stay on them.
Right now school is a challenge, but one that can be successfully completed. More than that? Wait for later. I know my updates have been more sparse. This will be alternating based on how well I'm eating, how much coffee, and how much time I have. Today, I need to go to the gym. Perhaps I'll find some answers there. Perhaps. As always, my feet stand firmly on God's promise for my life. He'll provide what is needed to make what he wants to happen. If I don't have enough for something, then at least on this DAY, that means that isn't God's will for me. Today I had enough for the projects I did. I'm thankful for that.
Should I talk about my frustration with my faith? On one hand we've had some breakthrough, this week we restored light and the fan in the bedroom. We fixed up the air filtration, hopefully that gets better. We moved the last of Sam's stuff into the house, and had a fight over there being too much stuff.
I mean I just went through this huge speech about enduring, which is of course the theme of the current epic section of my life. I mean by epic that it is large in scope and extraordinarily difficult for me. I don't want to imply it is important to anyone else.
I went through this long speech explaining that enduring is ALL we can do at this point. The point is not how we would like it, that is as far from the point as there is. The point is to do what we can. What can we do? Organize, use what we have, and enjoy it. At this point..... I just don't have any other answers. There's this whole thing about trial bringing out your character. This is how I feel mine is manifesting. I am going to endure this, because it won't last forever. Yes it might be months or years. That happens. We are waiting on a God that does not work on our timetable. When you are in the desert waiting on God, the last thing that makes him move is saying that he should. That's counter intuitive, because we think that he will work like a person. He doesn't though.
His ways are higher than our ways, and his timing is his own. Someone much older and wiser reminded me this week: Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but hope fulfilled makes the heart overflow. So right now, I can't invest anymore in hoping for better. It makes me sick, it's killing me. I'm not saying that God won't do it. As far as possible from that. God will move, and in his timing and in his way. When that happens, I think I'll probably be able to tell you more about his love.
For now, what is in front of me? I have some good things to be a good steward of. I enjoy a nice house, nice car, and some good food. I am able to sometimes smoke. I have good drugs, and hopefully I can stay on them.
Right now school is a challenge, but one that can be successfully completed. More than that? Wait for later. I know my updates have been more sparse. This will be alternating based on how well I'm eating, how much coffee, and how much time I have. Today, I need to go to the gym. Perhaps I'll find some answers there. Perhaps. As always, my feet stand firmly on God's promise for my life. He'll provide what is needed to make what he wants to happen. If I don't have enough for something, then at least on this DAY, that means that isn't God's will for me. Today I had enough for the projects I did. I'm thankful for that.
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