Judgement?

whenever I encounter someone who for whatever reason has incited many to instantly say this person is "bad" or to make some sort of snap decision about that person's personal worth, my desire is to learn more about them. It's reasonably likely they've got something interesting to say, and if most of humanity can't see past the surface flaws and see the person inside, well they can miss out. Not that there aren't people who are unforgivable, we can all think of a few. If however either: This person has done nothing personal to you or the people who matter to you, OR you make a judgement before even trying to understand their motivations then the disservice is not just to them. The disservice is to yourself to miss out on a potentially great friend.

I hate to get preachy at this time of night, what with work/school tommorow, but this issue really spoke to me. Ironically it came out of a pop culture thing, but I've talked about this before. The main reason I wanted to write about it is actually part of my announcement, which is I am launching a new book project (Yay), that I hope to evolve into a complete and comprehensive philosophy manifesto, don't expect it quick or anything but I want everyone to know it is in the works. Two books in the works right now, I have launched both the book I just said something about and I still have the George Orion novel (for lack of a better name), and that also promises to be very cool. There are plans and plots for probably 10 other stories just laying in my head, I will develop them but many may never see the light of day, or may just become short stories.

Anyway, judgement. The biblical standard for judgement often proves to be the biggest breakdown failure in the christian movement. It's rarely said as bluntly as "You said judge not lest ye be judged, so why on earth are you carrying a sign that says God hates (insert target issue/group). How does that reconcile with your faith?" Well, having sat on both sides on that debate for over a decade I can say that it really doesn't. It is of course human nature to take up a cause merely to defend your own beliefs, and Christians are (sorry to break it to you) humans. I can hear the instant reaction "Noooo, Christians are human? But don't they follow a guy who no one has ever been able to discredit, and aren't they empowered by their God to rise above this fallen world? (heavy sarcastically you think this I would imagine.)" It may come as a shock, but yes going to church does not make you less mistake prone, or at least not on the percentage that we might want. And if it were to lower the amount of critical errors one makes, then the decrease in failure is offset by the fact that the world is just waiting to jump on your mistakes and say "See? He (or she) isn't all they are cracked up to be, they make mistakes." Which again brings us around to the topic of judgement. My personal belief is that God told us not to judge not to make things harder on us, but to make them easier. I find making value judgements about another human's personal soul to be a very exhausting and frustrating action. Personally I cannot group people into good and bad. In my world there are really just helpful people and people who get in the way. The challenge in telling which is which, and when I identify those that are hindering my progress to remove them in a peaceful way without anger. That's it for the moment.

Life has been good to me....

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So, I thought about several titles for this post, but then I remembered this song. This song is helping me remember how lucky I am. I've fallen for a beautiful woman, and it looks like she's falling for me. My student aid is sorted..... so why am I even writing here? What on earth kind of venting could I have to do here? I guess none because I stopped typing there for a second. I guess it's mostly just impatience, which is the case with all good things that come from God. God is not the speediest, at least it seems that way when we want something really badly.
I'm doing something that I rarely have done in the past in responding to God's challenges to do the right thing. I'm trying to restrain my physical urges for the benefit of the relationship. The point behind all this is supposed to be that neither of us feels objectified, and that our relationship be built on love not sex. Sounds great huh? I guess it is, that she cares that much that she's willing to wait..... That's not how it feels... but that's probably the truth. She's also independent, which I respect, but is different... I definitely am living in interesting times.

Dream log pt 2

so after those horrible dreams I went back to sleep, which only proves how insane I am.... anyway once again I had dreams.
This time I had a dream that my wife came back and wanted to try and make it work. It was just so.... relieving I guess. Then in the middle of the dream I started wondering if this was what I wanted, and I decided it was. For whatever reason my brain can't understand that the house I already live in is the important location for most of my life, so instead it created another house somewhere in tulsa that my wife and I were going to move BACK into together.... and I was excited about that.
Cut to weird part 2 of this dream, somehow I get enough money to get whatever I want (in the dream it was about 160 dollars.) and I wanted to go buy these 60 dollar shoes from the department store, in my dream it was JC Penny's but I think I actually saw them at dillards. The important thing is these are the shoes I've wanted for some time. For whatever reason I had my mom come with me to pick them up. When we get there to pick them up I find out they are on sale for 40 dollars. So I'm like "great, this is what I want" but my mom keeps insisting that I shouldn't get them, that they are too expensive..... it's insane. We get in this huge fight about it in the middle of the store.
Then a girl shows up that apparently I had been interested in, or hit on at a club or something, and we start talking, I ask HER to check out the shoes. Which doesn't appear to lead to anything. But then I ask her to come hang out at the house later...... weird dream connector is apparently my wife is living there..... and even though we haven't remarried that might be wierd, but my brain can't lose face in front of a pretty girl so I just tell her to come over and "hang out", and if my wife is there she can make a new friend..... it would appear I have balls of steel. Then I run into a clerk with glasses..... who somehow resembled a friend of mine from high school, but his nametag says my name on it. So I tell him I better get a percentage since he used my name to get the job.
Weird subplot: Trying to get home from my parents house. First I take the car, my car, and for whatever reason get out and leave it there. Then I'm driving the truck.... and worrying about where the car is.

I don't get what any of this means....... obviously little of this could happen in real life.

the line

I made a decision once, and that decision was the biggest thing I've ever done. I should have known no matter what part of me had to die that day, I couldn't not betray myself.
The decision was whether or not to join the military
one one side, with the military, stood my wife and most steadfast companion
on the other, my parents and the morality I had grown up with
I could not betray myself, let the soft hearted me die in the military, because I still cared about me enough to make the decision best for me, at least in the short term. I always protect those I love and that is what killed me.
six months later my wife left me... for a few reasons but me not joining the military set those events in motion
and a part of me died. The moral of the story is you can't save anything. Sometimes the choice is between two unimaginably cruel realities. In one I'd still have her, just not my own self respect or a good portion of my personality. In the other, well, I'm living that, she divorce me and married a military man...... that's why I want to die, because I should have died spiritually and joined the air force..... done what she wanted and not been as alone. Sadly you only have one shot at these decisions, and you'll never know which was right. All I can tell you is I think both were wrong.

dream log

I had a dream about my ex wife.
So in the dream we were going through the breakup.
And I was like Ted from how I met your mother when he looks stupid.
and everyone thought I looked stupid
it was like the how I met your mother episode where Barney and Robin break up, in that Lindsay turned into the most distasteful person I could imagine. She turned into this fat troll who had nothing nice to say to me. In my dream she wouldn't even say "I love you" anymore, instead she would say "I love america"
And our friends (who were played by Marshall and Lily from HIMYM) showed up to try and help us save the marriage. Then Lily asked if I was ok or not, I think I was crying but said I was ok, gave me a long lecture about how I deserved what I had coming because I had withdrawn from them.

I also remember having a dream about trying to make things better with Thomas and Lisa (my ex roommates) and every time I did they would break anything i had around. So I just started hitting Thomas and trying to beat a lesson into him (this isn't something that would ever happen in real life, just wishful thinking I guess), then after that had happened a few times he started hitting me back and we killed eachother by tossing eachother into a giant spinning blade that looked like a fan.

Obviously my subconscious doesn't like me right now.

if I did anything right this would be the shortest post in the history of my blog

alright.... so.... I had a great day today. So why can't I sleep? seriously, what's going on? I don't know personally, but I can't stand it. If I have any success at all with all my trying to rest this will be a mercifully short post, but don't get your hopes up. It's been a good week for God and me, he dragged me to church and it wasn't too bad. Not to even get into that every day since he has had some involvement in my life. So that's just.... great. I'm not trying to downplay the greatness, but I don't fully understand how I can have this level of communication with god and still... not have solutions to some really big problems. Right now for instance, I'm pretty sure God is hanging out with me... yet I feel utterly empty and alone. Not in a kill myself mood because God shot me full of happy all day, and who would have wanted to miss that? and not even that sad considering that I'm really excited about some projects I get to do when I wake up at dawn... in two hours... if my body doesn't act like a jerk again. I could go on about what he's not doing, or as the christian me wants to put "What he hasn't finished working on yet". You ever want to slap yourself for being so smarmy? I sure do. I'm just..... unsure what would make me any happier. I'm going back to school.... I think I'll probably get to keep my house... little worried about that if you want the truth. finally reached a point that alone is...... ok, I guess. Or where I'm ready to wait for her. Really progressing spiritually. but..... as always in my life, something has to suffer. At the moment it's me. I'm having trouble trying to keep the balance in my brain. How can I keep my faith strong when there are so many problems under the surface, and all we've done is paved over them with temporary happiness and optimism? I could be setting myself up for a fall. I don't get high very much anymore. I haven't been on a date in months... by my choice I guess. I wanted to be with Rachel. Still do. just thinking about.... her... that time when everything was working... I had so much to look forward to... or so I thought. Then there are these truth lovers who want me to live with facts. Facts and Love don't go together. Pick one that you like. If I faced facts... and had early on... I wouldn't have given her a chance. Knowing.... everything I now know and worry about, why on EARTH would I have started to fall for someone who I hadn't met yet.
I call you back to what it says in Cat's Cradle:
A Lover's a liar, to himself he lies
the truthful are loveless, like oysters their eyes

So my path is obvious... I must remember her as... inspiring, wonderful, everything I hoped for, and for whatever twist of fate reason, it hasn't happened yet. Ironically in this week I've been working on that point of view for all of life's little "dissappointments". I'm ordinarily a pretty cynical bitter man about where people have failed me, I think I'm pretty open about that fault. Because sometimes being bitter is funny. that's really the only good reason I have. When I look at what certain people did me.... I don't want to go there anymore. The past is the past. They did what they did. I can't undo it. It doesn't change the results... not even at all. All my forgiveness does is to say "I'm willing to see that they are wrong, and admit that it is a fundimental failure of their humanity, and try and love them(or stand the fact of their existance), regardless of said failure. They no longer have to answer to me for their crimes." That doesn't mean they won't be judged. That doesn't mean their path won't lead wherever it leads.
Lindsay..... I loved her as much as I was capable. She brought joy to my heart, I was happy to be part of her life, for however long it was. She made decisions that made it clear that she no longer respected me, and that she had never understood the fundamental core of who I am. She loved a part of me, a role I chose to take, a mask but also someone I really was. I'm not him anymore. He died. She was responsible for that. No one else. She's a broken human being, and in a way the woman I loved is dead. I've spent my time mourning her, and I'm sure from time I'll still be sad of her passing.
As to the other man, boy. He's just another in a long line of male persons who has failed to deserve my trust. He acted childishly and does not deserve the mantel of manhood, but there is nothing I can do. I did the right thing in every chance I had. He reacted to my pain in a very... human and broken way. I'm not his judge. He has hurt many others over longer durations and much worse than I am. My pride was hurt it's true. But I learned some lessons.
Overall I forgive them. Hatred doesn't have to control my life.
I think this is starting to work, if it doesn't I might be back with more.

Memory

Lately I've been spending much of my time thinking, and the net result is that I've scaled back my dating to checking my email, perhaps checking personals, but rarely responding. And of course if I do respond it's not in high enough volume to make anything happen. It's purely reflex at this point. My belief in my romantic life has evaporated. Which is I suppose a good thing, it sucked up so much time and for what result? A date every now and then? Sex? Ugh, windows is making my comp redline. I'll reboot into ubuntu. *sigh* this is what I get.
So, back in windows because nothing else will boot. This is my main frustration right now, I want to hold on to what pleasures I have, and a good portion of those involve my computer (or other electronics), and my computer keeps buzzing for no reason, it's worrying.
So, today I redid my computer area, just to protect the delicate little flower that is my computer. And in the process I found a romance scrapbook from my marriage. And so I read it. I miss... that. I miss being in love. I miss feeling something, being something. I miss having someone care, more specifically I miss the way she made me feel. So I just sit here and remember what was, with full knowledge that it's unlikely to happen again. That's ok I suppose, some things are just for a time. High school for example. Perhaps marriage/love/romance is like that for me. Who knows. I sure don't. All I know is it seems very unlikely to happen again as I no longer feel capable and I doubt there is someone both willing and able to make me love again.  There are no doubt in my mind that either condition can exist independently. There are women whom I could love, but they are either uninterested in the concept or incapable of executing it. Similarly there are women who might show interest in me, however for whatever reason I do not find them attractive. So there we are. I have no idea what next.

High standards

I wasn't always the ego filled sexist person who is currently writing about how many women aren't good enough for me. There was a time I would have been satisfied with anyone who wanted me. So, what happened?
Well, to be frank, I saw how someone else's faults could be my downfall, and I gained self confidence. You know how people say you can do anything you put your mind to? That's a dangerous thought, because if you really think about that you'll never settle for second best again(at least as long as your life doesn't depend on it, needs are much different from wants.) If you knew that with patience you could achieve perfection, would you settle for someone who demonstrated a good amount of instability? Well, if you are me, you won't.
So.... I realized there are things I'm not attracted to, a short list:
lack of intelligence
overweight women (especially to the extreme)
lack of compassion (big one)
lack of confidence (also a big biiig one)
being in any sort of situation that makes a meaningful relationship impossible
women who are in any way "Taken", I'm not helping anyone cheat

Thats pretty much it at the moment. After my marriage bit the dust I decided that I was willing now to date divorced women, women with children, non christians, and women who smoke or do light drugs. So I think that should balance it out. There is also a requirement of some spark. It's pretty rare. But, if when I meet a woman I know I'm going to break up with them because they aren't enough, it's unethical to get involved with them at all. I'm not going to marry someone who is obese... end of story. Unfortunately in our part of the country there are many many overweight women, and they appear to occupy a large portion of intelligent women. I've tried to open up and let some of the really extraordinary overweight women who have really impressed me into my life. It hasn't gone well. Hence the limitations. I just thought I'd say all that, since my roommate kinda poked at the issue today. She said "why don't you date so and so, she's interested", and so I had to explain this again... and it's not the first time I've said this. I wish it was different. I wish overweight women were sexy..... if they lit my fire like a slim girl.... it would be fantastic. You need to understand that I prefer a skinny girl with A cups (of course very pretty and feminine) to a slightly overweight woman with double Ds. Because... it's just what's hot to me. Sadly... this is america. Skinny intelligent girls are exceptionally rare, at least on the single scene. And getting their attention is a job in itself. So there you go, I have high standards, and I haven't met anyone who interests me who can follow through on promises. There is no woman I can trust in the dating world. Oh well.

why are all villains so high class?

I don't know if this bothers anyone else, but have you noticed that in most children's movies the villains are cunning, classy and well educated(not to mention well dressed and having the best musical numbers), while the heroes are working class, uneducated,  and generally have nothing going for them other than a surprising good luck streak, charm, and good looks.
It's a pet peeve of mine that I wanted to use as an intro to this shocking revelation: Owls are cool.
I was watching Rockadoodle, and got addicted to the songs the owls (who are the villains) sing. Then I started thinking "Are owls cool?" So I found a website about owls, and, yes, they are. Is your mind blown?

So, Owl fun fact:
A group of Owls is called a parliament
Like in England. How cool is that?
Many species will bob and weave their head, as if curious about something - this is in fact to further improve their three-dimensional concept of what they are viewing.
Just cool, no ifs ands or buts about it.
Eagle owls can eat other birds the size of a duck. How cool would that be to see? the duck is unsuspecting of attack when suddenly it's consumed by an owl. Winner? Owl. Loser? Duck. Ducks are lame. Owls are cool.

No Batteries

found rock a doodle on netflix, had a "how high was I as a kid?" moment, then this clip, is just so awesome



Just something so simple, and perfect about the owl's wicked glee.
(on a side note, life is good)

into the fact that life has failed to generate a true purpose, or "why you shouldn't bother getting out of bed"

I'm going to be brutally frank, life has been completely and utterly disappointing, or more to the point human beings have shown to be of little help or in fact actual use to this individual. This is mostly because of their utter failure to provide the emotional support, or satisfactory career, or a society with any greater meaning other than the meaningless chase of fame and material wealth, or the ability to follow through on the most simple promises. Last night I had another person promise to do something, and, yet again, fail to even come up with a reason for not following through. My roommate didn't understand why, a week ago, when I lost contact I took it as a bad sign. This is because my roommate, being an attractive young lady, has not had the enlightening experience of being treated with utter indifference by the opposite sex. Being blown off for a date is usually not a one time thing, it's the beginning of a pattern, which will end with never hearing from the person again. They of course only do this AFTER ensnaring your emotions, because, again I have to make assumptions, it wouldn't be fun otherwise. Of course she can prove me wrong if she wants, but nothing she has said so far has happened, and I don't really know what to believe.

I'm feeling particularly pointless about life in general, and if I didn't want to have a smoke and maybe do something with my day I wouldn't get out of bed. One reason is my bed is a glorious happy place and the world outside my house is more close to a hellish disappointing shadow of what may have once been a functional society. Yet eventually I will venture out into it again... due to my house's inability to support itself.

While blogger is offline

So Blogger, master of all things blog is offline for the night, and just when I have something to say. Well they didn't count on a good old word processor and the knowledge that words are words no matter where they go. As with many of my blog posts this will be stream of thought, so the topics will jump as my mind does. You need to understand that the main purpose of writing like this is to handle things emotionally for me. Why, without an outlet for my many many emotions who knows what would happen? I'd be up to no good, I don't doubt it. So, I'll start with where I started this evening, when I was thinking about everything in my life that makes no sense at all for me.

The topic of the matter is “Love at first sight”, with a possible subheading of “What do you really want Max Malcolm?” Well, what does Max want? Most of my friends seem to feel like they know better than I do. One or two do actually know that (insert an affectionate wink). It's so hard for me to open up right now, my name on the blog, you never know who might be reading right? Of course right. Well I tried posting under a different name... but people who wanted to know seemed to find the place anyway. Now, as I think about those that know me, I realize my thoughts are unremarkable enough that if someone DOES decided to read my ramblings, they probably have a determination and caring for me that though I do not understand, is regardless something I must respect. So if you made it through that quagmire of nonsense you deserve to know my true feelings on the matter, that matter being Love. I thought love was only true in fairy tales meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed. Yet disappointment still haunts all my dreams. I've started to fall for a woman before you know, and almost always the results did not match up with my expectations. Sometimes I read letters from a dating guru, and the other day he put his finger on the pulse of what is wrong with most men (himself and myself included.) He said something to the effect that by the time the right girl comes around most men have gotten too beat up to be of any use. I feel that way sometimes. A girl just found a way to touch my heart in a way I always dreamed of, just with her words. I have not had any sort of date with her, just conversations, meaningful ones. Yet how can I fall for her? Because it's so easy when someone makes you feel alive. I keep waiting for her to contact me, and that little voice in my head keeps wondering if I'll ever hear from her. My heart longs for her. I desire no other woman, period. What's a guy to do? I don't know. I don't know.

Now the second issue, a short one: What makes me emotional? The only thing I'm allowed to cry over are a few ideas about certain deaths. One is the death of a wife or child. That can completely take me apart, depending on my current circumstances. Finally, the death of my dad, just the thought of him not being around anymore can turn me into a weeping mess. There are many things I wish I could cry about, but that is the only thing I can't help myself on. Lets leave it there for now.

migration

I am migrating here from Facebook, for many reasons which I already lectured Facebook about.
My name is Max Malcolm, I'm 23, currently still single, divorced. I still keep in contact with my parents, and lots of friends from all different places. There is a sincere hope I have that all my friends will migrate over here to Blogger so they can enjoy the many features of blogger, without the many flaws of Facebook.
Blogger Dashboard is my personal favorite, if we learned to use it properly it could serve like the homepage does on Facebook. It's going to take some work to turn this into home, but once it is I'm sure I'll ever wonder why I used anything else.
I'm a professional writer, I have another blog just for that.
Lets see.... that's it, for now, hope to see lots of messages from my friends as we regroup and grow in a new environment.

intro: for those who don't know me, or have forgotten they know me

I'm starting over from scratch because my previous blog had become a liability and no longer an asset. Not to worry, it's all archived for safekeeping, and maybe I'll repost some of the songs and stuff, but for now lets move on.
I'm a 23 year old divorced man, a writer and student by trade, I like to think I'm nice but sometimes I have to vent. Hence this blog. Aside from the obvious benefit of improving my mental health, it also helps to have regular typing practice. I really don't know where to start, other than I'm happy at the moment, and have productive things to do today. I'll blog more about things as they develop.