Memory

Lately I've been spending much of my time thinking, and the net result is that I've scaled back my dating to checking my email, perhaps checking personals, but rarely responding. And of course if I do respond it's not in high enough volume to make anything happen. It's purely reflex at this point. My belief in my romantic life has evaporated. Which is I suppose a good thing, it sucked up so much time and for what result? A date every now and then? Sex? Ugh, windows is making my comp redline. I'll reboot into ubuntu. *sigh* this is what I get.
So, back in windows because nothing else will boot. This is my main frustration right now, I want to hold on to what pleasures I have, and a good portion of those involve my computer (or other electronics), and my computer keeps buzzing for no reason, it's worrying.
So, today I redid my computer area, just to protect the delicate little flower that is my computer. And in the process I found a romance scrapbook from my marriage. And so I read it. I miss... that. I miss being in love. I miss feeling something, being something. I miss having someone care, more specifically I miss the way she made me feel. So I just sit here and remember what was, with full knowledge that it's unlikely to happen again. That's ok I suppose, some things are just for a time. High school for example. Perhaps marriage/love/romance is like that for me. Who knows. I sure don't. All I know is it seems very unlikely to happen again as I no longer feel capable and I doubt there is someone both willing and able to make me love again.  There are no doubt in my mind that either condition can exist independently. There are women whom I could love, but they are either uninterested in the concept or incapable of executing it. Similarly there are women who might show interest in me, however for whatever reason I do not find them attractive. So there we are. I have no idea what next.