While blogger is offline

So Blogger, master of all things blog is offline for the night, and just when I have something to say. Well they didn't count on a good old word processor and the knowledge that words are words no matter where they go. As with many of my blog posts this will be stream of thought, so the topics will jump as my mind does. You need to understand that the main purpose of writing like this is to handle things emotionally for me. Why, without an outlet for my many many emotions who knows what would happen? I'd be up to no good, I don't doubt it. So, I'll start with where I started this evening, when I was thinking about everything in my life that makes no sense at all for me.

The topic of the matter is “Love at first sight”, with a possible subheading of “What do you really want Max Malcolm?” Well, what does Max want? Most of my friends seem to feel like they know better than I do. One or two do actually know that (insert an affectionate wink). It's so hard for me to open up right now, my name on the blog, you never know who might be reading right? Of course right. Well I tried posting under a different name... but people who wanted to know seemed to find the place anyway. Now, as I think about those that know me, I realize my thoughts are unremarkable enough that if someone DOES decided to read my ramblings, they probably have a determination and caring for me that though I do not understand, is regardless something I must respect. So if you made it through that quagmire of nonsense you deserve to know my true feelings on the matter, that matter being Love. I thought love was only true in fairy tales meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed. Yet disappointment still haunts all my dreams. I've started to fall for a woman before you know, and almost always the results did not match up with my expectations. Sometimes I read letters from a dating guru, and the other day he put his finger on the pulse of what is wrong with most men (himself and myself included.) He said something to the effect that by the time the right girl comes around most men have gotten too beat up to be of any use. I feel that way sometimes. A girl just found a way to touch my heart in a way I always dreamed of, just with her words. I have not had any sort of date with her, just conversations, meaningful ones. Yet how can I fall for her? Because it's so easy when someone makes you feel alive. I keep waiting for her to contact me, and that little voice in my head keeps wondering if I'll ever hear from her. My heart longs for her. I desire no other woman, period. What's a guy to do? I don't know. I don't know.

Now the second issue, a short one: What makes me emotional? The only thing I'm allowed to cry over are a few ideas about certain deaths. One is the death of a wife or child. That can completely take me apart, depending on my current circumstances. Finally, the death of my dad, just the thought of him not being around anymore can turn me into a weeping mess. There are many things I wish I could cry about, but that is the only thing I can't help myself on. Lets leave it there for now.