A few years down the track: Another year in the life of your schmuck ex husband

Dear Lindsay,

Ex wife, first lover, all that good stuff...

I know now what I didn't know then, or at least I think I have a better idea. Just a few weeks ago I discovered you are expecting your first child with the man that has made you so happy. May I be the first to say congrats, couldn't happen to a nicer couple. I mean, you did it, it didn't matter who got left behind or what you had to do to get there, you have figured out all of the american dream. So, bully for you. This letter, however, is not about you. You know all about you, this is about me.




I discovered recently that the "last letter" I ever wrote to you, wrapping up some anger and that sort of stuff, is the most read post on my blog. You told me once I had too much pride, well I took that and ran with it after the divorce. My ego and loving myself is just about the only consistent love I have allowed myself in the past three years. I realized when you left me that first of all I didn't deserve to be hurt like that, and second, I gave you that power by trusting you, by needing your love and approval. I resolved I would never hurt like that again. Anyway we're getting off topic. The point is due to my enlarged ego I care about what my few fans think. Anything that I could write that would be worth reading even once is a triumph to me. So now, I'm going to write a sort of follow up. That letter dealt very much with the past, this will deal very much with who I am now, who, thanks to you I have become.




I have no delusions that you will ever read this. I mean, someone as happy and lucky as you doesn't need to care about people in your debris trail. This is more along the lines of... a letter to a dead friend, loved one, the only person I ever trusted as much as I trusted you. I miss feeling that way. It's painful for me to say I miss you. You've done so many horrible things, how could I miss someone like that?
When I was with you was the happiest time of my life. I was poor, I was confused, I didn't know alot of things, but I knew I had you. Knowing that was enough for me, at least then. I realize now that, life being what it is, that special moment is over now. It makes me cherish every precious good day, because now I know how rare they are.




So let's talk about consequences. In the past year I was with four women and four men. I officially tried fucking men this year and since you thought it was a good idea I figure you would be proud. Of course you wouldn't be if I was still yours, but not belonging to you, who knows what those rules are. I reached a point that I realized that no woman could take the domination role lovingly, that's a man thing. I thought, foolishly, that being dominated would be kinky for me in a way that would help me get off. It wasn't. It took a long string of women and men to figure that out. One man was able to make love to me, or as close as I can imagine to what that feels like. It was pretty damn special. But, in the end, I realized something about myself:
I don't like the control that an intense relationship puts on my life. Playing with people? Yeah that's cheap and easy and I don't get hurt. But desiring people on that deep interconnected "want to taste their skin" level is too much.

Which leads to how I almost got remarried this year. I met an absolutely amazing woman. Educated, fun, my family liked her, could make a mean cocktail, made love like no one else I have EVER met, and she had quite a future ahead of her. She wasn't too good for me, she was just right. Oh and it didn't hurt that she was beautiful. But, she wanted to do the whole bag right away and that SCARED me to death. And I ran out.... I regret that, like I regret letting you get to the point that you did what you did, like I regret not trying to make it work. But, the past is the past, once down a river you can't swim against the tide. She's moving now... Getting her dream, just like you. I swear leaving me is the best thing that happens to most girls I'm with. Well *deep hearty chuckle* except one.

I loved a woman. That's right, loved, gave her everything, tried to be there for her, actually lived for a number of months in an ersatz marriage. Tried to make it work romantically when all she wanted was platonic. It blew up in my face. I had to live with the results for six months. I've paid for it by being broken into twice this year. But, believe it or not, she got the worst of the deal. You see, the man she started seeing after we broke up got her pregnant, actually she raped him for his seed and is slowly squeezing the life out of him. Anyway, the catch? The doctors have said that having this baby will probably kill her. If it doesn't, she's in so much trouble financially and with DHS, it's doubtful that the child will get to stay with her. And that, it appears my dear, is what happens when you screw with me.... well except to you. Too few cases to prove a rule.

But, that pregnancy, and yours, and a friends, and working at a mental health hospital for children has all convinced me of one thing: Children don't make you happier, healthier, or in any way improve your quality of life UNLESS there are some damn good things going on.  I realize now that I am too selfish to have children at the present time. For one I like sleeping in. I'm even too selfish to get married.... I can't stand the idea of losing half my stuff because a woman gets tired of me and realizes there are more handsome and richer men... I mean I could have told her that, and if a woman ever wants to marry me believe me I will.

I've tried, failed and will try again at school. I've almost stayed with my job for a year and THAT is a surprise. Turns out all it took is being able to shift it to center focus and not having a woman dragging me down. In slightly related news I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and am medicated for it. I managed to stay in a relationship for 7 months so far. It's a contented sort of thing.

That's about it, that's the news from lake wobegon.

Love,

your schmuck ex husband

P.S.

Reference in the title to the letter: A few years down the track
This is a reference to a song from a book from a comic strip called bloom county.
The song is called: I'm a boinger
The complete line is:
And a few years down the track we'll be a Las Vegas lounge act
We'll be back
We'll be back
cause we're the Boingers.