Yay, first chance to do a post since my computer was stolen. I will say that until I get a new laptop to work on our visits will be fewer, but I will also try to make them more meaningful. I'm shooting for one a week.
So on to the topic of today's ranting and raving. Literally just now (5 minutes ago as of typing this) I found out that one of my friends from high school is engaged. Male friends I should point out, almost all of my female friends are engaged and or married (yes there IS one that is both). Many of them are also expecting children. But on to my male friend. I flatter myself that he was my friend I should say, given that he gave me no indication that he had any interest in being my friend at all during high school.
Which brings us to the first major point of my rant: I am not as attractive or popular as I posture. Which begs the question, given an honest and frank assessment of my own mind: How attractive am I? Well I could post a link and ask for opinions, but that would be the most utterly vain and pointless thing to do ever. First of all no matter how large a sample audience I could get here, their opinion would always be weighted and biased. No this is an inner journey I need to explore.
What constitutes being attractive and popular? Is it number of friends/lovers? And who determines what amount of either is average or exceptional. Let me start out by saying I consider myself attractive enough that if there is no one more attractive seeking the attention of the object of my affection, I can entrance them into giving me a good chance to figure out if we can work. That is a long winded way of saying that I don't think I'm ugly. However the size of my ego means that I must also point out that I am not the most attractive man in the universe. Not even in the top million I would say. That fact makes me sad. I know I should be mature enough to figure out that, but it would be nice to be best at something.
Now for the second point, anyone thinking I'm clean cut, kind or normal can either leave or get over it before I reach this point.
Point two: There are very rare men I find attractive. This one is both straight and not attracted to me. Nevertheless, as the object of my boyhood affection, I am saddened to find he is marrying a woman. It's a similar feeling to when I found out my hot 9th and 10th grade science teacher was married, then pregnant. Sort of a loss of innocence to find that the one your little innocent heart believed could be yours cannot be with you. I mean logically I know I would never have been with him. For one, I fall on the straight side of the spectrum. I like breasts too much. I don't say that to be comical, it's true.
While we are discussing my sexuality, let's look at a strange dream I had the other night. In the dream I was meeting a girl at a local arcade/bar/cafe I take my boys to sometimes as a treat. Her father was there and apparently wanted me and his little girl to become an item. She couldn't have been more than 19, very innocent looking, white dress etc. I was kind of meh about the whole thing, given my sadder but wiser girl policy. But then she just starts taking her clothes off, she is apparently getting turned on by my ways of the world. I look down to find I am taking my clothes off. What's more, I'm wearing my white suit! The symbolism is so powerful. For one, I find that I am attracted to innocent girls that wish to be corrupted. That alone is a huge development in my psyche. It promises great growth in the area of mating. Second I see myself as a viral man with upstanding virtues. Alright, hitting the limits of this medium, the computer is getting wonky, bye bye for now.
So on to the topic of today's ranting and raving. Literally just now (5 minutes ago as of typing this) I found out that one of my friends from high school is engaged. Male friends I should point out, almost all of my female friends are engaged and or married (yes there IS one that is both). Many of them are also expecting children. But on to my male friend. I flatter myself that he was my friend I should say, given that he gave me no indication that he had any interest in being my friend at all during high school.
Which brings us to the first major point of my rant: I am not as attractive or popular as I posture. Which begs the question, given an honest and frank assessment of my own mind: How attractive am I? Well I could post a link and ask for opinions, but that would be the most utterly vain and pointless thing to do ever. First of all no matter how large a sample audience I could get here, their opinion would always be weighted and biased. No this is an inner journey I need to explore.
What constitutes being attractive and popular? Is it number of friends/lovers? And who determines what amount of either is average or exceptional. Let me start out by saying I consider myself attractive enough that if there is no one more attractive seeking the attention of the object of my affection, I can entrance them into giving me a good chance to figure out if we can work. That is a long winded way of saying that I don't think I'm ugly. However the size of my ego means that I must also point out that I am not the most attractive man in the universe. Not even in the top million I would say. That fact makes me sad. I know I should be mature enough to figure out that, but it would be nice to be best at something.
Now for the second point, anyone thinking I'm clean cut, kind or normal can either leave or get over it before I reach this point.
Point two: There are very rare men I find attractive. This one is both straight and not attracted to me. Nevertheless, as the object of my boyhood affection, I am saddened to find he is marrying a woman. It's a similar feeling to when I found out my hot 9th and 10th grade science teacher was married, then pregnant. Sort of a loss of innocence to find that the one your little innocent heart believed could be yours cannot be with you. I mean logically I know I would never have been with him. For one, I fall on the straight side of the spectrum. I like breasts too much. I don't say that to be comical, it's true.
While we are discussing my sexuality, let's look at a strange dream I had the other night. In the dream I was meeting a girl at a local arcade/bar/cafe I take my boys to sometimes as a treat. Her father was there and apparently wanted me and his little girl to become an item. She couldn't have been more than 19, very innocent looking, white dress etc. I was kind of meh about the whole thing, given my sadder but wiser girl policy. But then she just starts taking her clothes off, she is apparently getting turned on by my ways of the world. I look down to find I am taking my clothes off. What's more, I'm wearing my white suit! The symbolism is so powerful. For one, I find that I am attracted to innocent girls that wish to be corrupted. That alone is a huge development in my psyche. It promises great growth in the area of mating. Second I see myself as a viral man with upstanding virtues. Alright, hitting the limits of this medium, the computer is getting wonky, bye bye for now.
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