"Perseverance is the word for you"
http://www.oru.edu/wordforyou/index.php?id=20130205_perseverance#.URHn345uWn0.facebook
so I was browsing good old facebook, checking up on the ex's, good old reliable ex's, always living better lives than I. While on the subject my ex wife is having a fucking baby, thank you very much universe I'm glad the polls are officially in that she won. She gets to be fucking happy and I get fucking freedom, how do you like them apples? I hate freedom, it's a big lie with a ribbon around it. Let's take the second amendment issue (since it's such a big deal lately). Big gov says I have the right to own and use weapons. So, that's cool, however with that freedom comes problems, the problem being... so does everyone else. It suddenly becomes a very expensive freedom to have. Personally, I don't want to spend my hard earned money on an instrument to kill people. Nor do I want to spend my time learning to fire said weapon supposing one was available to me. So the more fortunate in the ways of time and money get an advantage over me thanks to this freedom, after all there is no one to look out for the little guy. If you try to limit who can have guns then people start going nuts thinking that no one will get them.
Divorce is the same way. I got sold a bill of goods, a simple quid pro quo of if you get rid of the somewhat dysfunctional woman you have, you can go out and find a more functional woman for you, she can find a better man for her, everybody wins. But they don't. Because the person with greater means will always come out on top. God blessed her with a magic hole that makes men do whatever she wants them to. Meanwhile my magical equipment allows me to have all the sex I want. So I took my powers and used them to their fullest, and now I've had so much I have next to no sex drive. She used her powers and got herself a new man who apparently pays for everything in her life, and now she is getting to start a family, which is pretty much the realization of the american fucking dream.
FUCK. I hate it. I hate it when I bet on the wrong guy. The wrong guy being me and God. Which comes back to the center issue. The whole message I found on an ex's site centers on how giving up is futile. Now, since he made it a logical issue, let's deal with it with some of our own fucking logic. So, idea presented is that giving up is a 100% bad idea in that you can't see the results of your investment. I'm going to use a business model because business is what I understand. Supposing a friend of mine is starting a company. He's got biiiig ideas and he needs biiiiig capital. Translating as I go the friend represents God, the company represents the "vision" he has for my life, the capital he is asking for is my time, emotional and physical energy. Resources is the point. Resources that could be used elsewhere. But, my friend is one hell of a talker and he tells me this is a sure thing. I mean his credit is HUGE. The guy could make anything work. So, I invest $100. A year comes around he asks for another $100. He tells me that until it takes off he will be asking for $100 a year until he turns a profit. Meanwhile, and this is where everything gets funky, he can't show me a single FUCKING REPORT PROVING THE BUSINESS EVEN EXISTS. WHEN I ASK HIM WHERE THE PROFIT IS GOING TO COME FROM HE TELLS ME TO HAVE FAITH IN HIM IT'S FUCKING COMING.
I check in with him every now and then, see how the investments are doing, he won't tell me anything. Meanwhile my personal business (translation my life) is taking major losses trying to keep his afloat. Trying to stay in business is proving to be much harder than anticipated and I ask him for help. I ask him to show me a way out. He doesn't, says struggle builds character and tells me to call him in a few months, and he'll get back to me when things change. There are huge talks of partnership of our two businesses and that leading to big profits for all involved. Again, the problem is that he doesn't ever show up with the paperwork. My friends, my family, everyone in my life tells me to move on that he's never going to come through and I need to double down on reinvesting in my own business.
But, this business guru who knows my business partner way better than I tells me I need to hold onto my investment, despite the fact that currently it has no worth. Despite the fact that it is costly to keep alive. Despite the fact that I'm not getting any younger and this investment has yet to pay dividends. In the face of all these problems, I'm supposed to have faith. On some level, I still do.
But, to paraphrase Job, man did I mess up by making this bargain. I am so regretful that I put everything on the line with this. I have no idea how this can work out, and it really would be supernatural for this to get turned around. The day I turned to God might as well have been the day I died as far as the world was concerned because following him has put more things to cause me to stumble in my path than I could ever have imagined. If I could go back three years and tell myself where I would be for being an upright and honest man with the Lord, I would have remained a sinner. I cannot imagine what sort of delusional state I would have to be under to want to convert someone to follow this convoluted path.
Had I taken the shorter path, of greed and prosperity, I would have certainly seen better results. As it is, I took this path. And the man is right, I committed to it. As the good book says whatever you do, do it with all your heart. He has all my heart and if it is his will to make me mournful of my existence and to wish it over, then so be it. I pledged my all to him, my happy and my sad, my up and my down and he has rewarded me with beautiful wonderful goodness, and also with sadness unspeakable. I have died and been brought back. From the highest peak to the lowest valley, he has taken me on a roller coaster ride through the human experience, and now I just seek some sort of meaning of it all. He's such a comedian I doubt there is one. It's like Monty Python and the holy grail. I wouldn't be surprised if he made the sun to shine on me again only to have me die of a heart attack. He's got that kind of humor. Seeking seeking seeking, oops you're dead. It amuses me how the Christian masses preach the wages of sin as death. What exactly are the wages of righteousness? Misery, woe and character. The wages of sin is death and a release from the pains of this world. What a masochist is the righteous man? As far as I can see the wages of honesty and virtue are pain and disappointment.
Onward we march, to our seemingly certain defeat, yet we march just the same. We sing our battle cry to attempt to silence the fear in our hearts that our deaths will mean nothing. That we will have just been flailing bits of flesh for our makers amusement and little more. Life is the way we are interviewed by God, let us pray that we all get the job.
http://www.oru.edu/wordforyou/index.php?id=20130205_perseverance#.URHn345uWn0.facebook
so I was browsing good old facebook, checking up on the ex's, good old reliable ex's, always living better lives than I. While on the subject my ex wife is having a fucking baby, thank you very much universe I'm glad the polls are officially in that she won. She gets to be fucking happy and I get fucking freedom, how do you like them apples? I hate freedom, it's a big lie with a ribbon around it. Let's take the second amendment issue (since it's such a big deal lately). Big gov says I have the right to own and use weapons. So, that's cool, however with that freedom comes problems, the problem being... so does everyone else. It suddenly becomes a very expensive freedom to have. Personally, I don't want to spend my hard earned money on an instrument to kill people. Nor do I want to spend my time learning to fire said weapon supposing one was available to me. So the more fortunate in the ways of time and money get an advantage over me thanks to this freedom, after all there is no one to look out for the little guy. If you try to limit who can have guns then people start going nuts thinking that no one will get them.
Divorce is the same way. I got sold a bill of goods, a simple quid pro quo of if you get rid of the somewhat dysfunctional woman you have, you can go out and find a more functional woman for you, she can find a better man for her, everybody wins. But they don't. Because the person with greater means will always come out on top. God blessed her with a magic hole that makes men do whatever she wants them to. Meanwhile my magical equipment allows me to have all the sex I want. So I took my powers and used them to their fullest, and now I've had so much I have next to no sex drive. She used her powers and got herself a new man who apparently pays for everything in her life, and now she is getting to start a family, which is pretty much the realization of the american fucking dream.
FUCK. I hate it. I hate it when I bet on the wrong guy. The wrong guy being me and God. Which comes back to the center issue. The whole message I found on an ex's site centers on how giving up is futile. Now, since he made it a logical issue, let's deal with it with some of our own fucking logic. So, idea presented is that giving up is a 100% bad idea in that you can't see the results of your investment. I'm going to use a business model because business is what I understand. Supposing a friend of mine is starting a company. He's got biiiig ideas and he needs biiiiig capital. Translating as I go the friend represents God, the company represents the "vision" he has for my life, the capital he is asking for is my time, emotional and physical energy. Resources is the point. Resources that could be used elsewhere. But, my friend is one hell of a talker and he tells me this is a sure thing. I mean his credit is HUGE. The guy could make anything work. So, I invest $100. A year comes around he asks for another $100. He tells me that until it takes off he will be asking for $100 a year until he turns a profit. Meanwhile, and this is where everything gets funky, he can't show me a single FUCKING REPORT PROVING THE BUSINESS EVEN EXISTS. WHEN I ASK HIM WHERE THE PROFIT IS GOING TO COME FROM HE TELLS ME TO HAVE FAITH IN HIM IT'S FUCKING COMING.
I check in with him every now and then, see how the investments are doing, he won't tell me anything. Meanwhile my personal business (translation my life) is taking major losses trying to keep his afloat. Trying to stay in business is proving to be much harder than anticipated and I ask him for help. I ask him to show me a way out. He doesn't, says struggle builds character and tells me to call him in a few months, and he'll get back to me when things change. There are huge talks of partnership of our two businesses and that leading to big profits for all involved. Again, the problem is that he doesn't ever show up with the paperwork. My friends, my family, everyone in my life tells me to move on that he's never going to come through and I need to double down on reinvesting in my own business.
But, this business guru who knows my business partner way better than I tells me I need to hold onto my investment, despite the fact that currently it has no worth. Despite the fact that it is costly to keep alive. Despite the fact that I'm not getting any younger and this investment has yet to pay dividends. In the face of all these problems, I'm supposed to have faith. On some level, I still do.
But, to paraphrase Job, man did I mess up by making this bargain. I am so regretful that I put everything on the line with this. I have no idea how this can work out, and it really would be supernatural for this to get turned around. The day I turned to God might as well have been the day I died as far as the world was concerned because following him has put more things to cause me to stumble in my path than I could ever have imagined. If I could go back three years and tell myself where I would be for being an upright and honest man with the Lord, I would have remained a sinner. I cannot imagine what sort of delusional state I would have to be under to want to convert someone to follow this convoluted path.
Had I taken the shorter path, of greed and prosperity, I would have certainly seen better results. As it is, I took this path. And the man is right, I committed to it. As the good book says whatever you do, do it with all your heart. He has all my heart and if it is his will to make me mournful of my existence and to wish it over, then so be it. I pledged my all to him, my happy and my sad, my up and my down and he has rewarded me with beautiful wonderful goodness, and also with sadness unspeakable. I have died and been brought back. From the highest peak to the lowest valley, he has taken me on a roller coaster ride through the human experience, and now I just seek some sort of meaning of it all. He's such a comedian I doubt there is one. It's like Monty Python and the holy grail. I wouldn't be surprised if he made the sun to shine on me again only to have me die of a heart attack. He's got that kind of humor. Seeking seeking seeking, oops you're dead. It amuses me how the Christian masses preach the wages of sin as death. What exactly are the wages of righteousness? Misery, woe and character. The wages of sin is death and a release from the pains of this world. What a masochist is the righteous man? As far as I can see the wages of honesty and virtue are pain and disappointment.
Onward we march, to our seemingly certain defeat, yet we march just the same. We sing our battle cry to attempt to silence the fear in our hearts that our deaths will mean nothing. That we will have just been flailing bits of flesh for our makers amusement and little more. Life is the way we are interviewed by God, let us pray that we all get the job.
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