I don't know what it was about today... maybe waking up late and not watching my sweet comforting show in the morning. maybe it was eating later than usual. Likely not having my pills contributed. Even more likely the fact that it fucking flooded and they sent me out to dig holes anyway. Most likely that I had to see my old church, and the place I met Lindsay..... God, 9 years ago. It seems like it should stop hurting. It isn't like one of those things would be enough, but combined it adds up to the realization that life has not gone to plan.
So here I am admitting: I have some doubts in regards to what God will actually do. My soul, smug bastard, does not. However my body, my emotions and my brain have serious fucking arguments on the issue.
Biggest looming is if he is so good, if he has such a great fucking plan for my life then why am I in this pit? If he loves me why are my emotional and developmental needs so far from his provision? Why does he promise things that actually actively remind me of how little he DOES. Because it doesn't matter if you say you have a giant laser capable of taking down rhinos, if all you ever do is talk about it then it doesn't fucking matter if it can destroy a fucking planet, it's just a stupid flashing light that doesn't fucking DO anything.
Love is a verb, as well as a tangible noun. When you say you love someone it is a pledge that you intend to do your best for them. You are saying that so long as that love is in your heart you will do what you can to care for those you love. Which is why I have so much fucking doubt. I don't feel loved. I see signs about how God is so "great". You know what? Show me this supposed greatness. I'm well aware that I have been placed into various emotional and spiritual states where I have experienced some glory, guess what: Sex and drugs are equally "great". Yet I am morally beholden not to devote myself to obtaining maximums of drugs and sex. I'm told it would kill me.
Incidentally, drugs cannot love. Not even weed which starts as a live plant does what it does out of love. It's an accident of natural selection enhanced through artificial selection. So states of emotional bliss do not consist of greatness. A being is judged by what they do. Unless of course they are my enemies, those who actively plotted my destruction and yet got ALL they wanted. Yes, I am bitter about that. I could handle it if I had done well by my measure, no matter how well they did I could say that beneficial things had occured and their status wouldn't matter. Yet when I observe their success it enhances the feeling that God chose THEIR side. That he actually approves of my destruction.
This is further served by his lack of answer, his lack of either a better way or the way I suggest. He asked me "what do you want?" Initially I said "I don't know". But I do, because I've told him MANY times. Yet in his wisdom he chooses to withhold my hopes from me. He chooses to crush me, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. IS IT FUCKING FUNNY?! IS MY BRAIN YOUR PERSONAL FUCKING PUNCHING BAG? DOES YOUR LOVE CONSIST OF TORTURE?! THE SPANISH INQUISITION MAKES ALL KINDS OF SENSE IF THAT IS THE CASE! HECK, I BET YOU REALLY LOVE THE WAR ON TERROR, PEOPLE GETTING HURT, NO ONE FUCKING HELPING ANYONE, MUST BE FUCKING PARADISE.
See because the issue is the more I pray, the more I seek consolation the more futile it seems. I am well aware that his timing is his own, but... I don't know.
Whether we live or die, our lives belong to him. So why worry? Our lives are not our own. We are as abused garden equipment to him.
At this point I went out looking for answers, again I am disappointed. There appear to be two camps. In one camp are the committed atheists who believe God has cheated them. Which is useless to me. Then there are the true believers who persist on his faithfulness. Again, useless. I am aware of the CLAIMS of his faithfulness. I am aware of the CLAIMS of his falsehood. The faithful back their claims with scripture, the faithless with anger and poor reason. Neither provides evidence. Neither backs with testimony, proof, or anything compelling. I WANT to be compelled, one way or another. If trust in him is a metaphysical illness, then in 2000 years an effective cure would have been found. If distrust in him is wrong, then surely someone has walked the path I walk. I am not the only man to have way more hope and belief in God then I see manifest.
Well.... I don't know the nut bar quotient of this source, but source and evidence it is:
http://www.helpforgodshurtingpeople.com/his-promises-are-always-ful.html
Ephesians 2:8-9New International Version (NIV)
8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.
http://www.riverhillsonline.org/resources/documents/sermons/exodus5_1-23.htm
I don't know what to say. The wind is just out of my sails at this point... I'm so tired. Not just in the way of the body, my heart is tired. I long to be cleansed of my stress, pain, concern. To let it all wash away and believe God will provide. Some part of me is aware he will provide, what though? Who knows?! It would be nice if it was something truly good. Better still if it was what I need: peace, freedom, and time.
So here I am admitting: I have some doubts in regards to what God will actually do. My soul, smug bastard, does not. However my body, my emotions and my brain have serious fucking arguments on the issue.
Biggest looming is if he is so good, if he has such a great fucking plan for my life then why am I in this pit? If he loves me why are my emotional and developmental needs so far from his provision? Why does he promise things that actually actively remind me of how little he DOES. Because it doesn't matter if you say you have a giant laser capable of taking down rhinos, if all you ever do is talk about it then it doesn't fucking matter if it can destroy a fucking planet, it's just a stupid flashing light that doesn't fucking DO anything.
Love is a verb, as well as a tangible noun. When you say you love someone it is a pledge that you intend to do your best for them. You are saying that so long as that love is in your heart you will do what you can to care for those you love. Which is why I have so much fucking doubt. I don't feel loved. I see signs about how God is so "great". You know what? Show me this supposed greatness. I'm well aware that I have been placed into various emotional and spiritual states where I have experienced some glory, guess what: Sex and drugs are equally "great". Yet I am morally beholden not to devote myself to obtaining maximums of drugs and sex. I'm told it would kill me.
Incidentally, drugs cannot love. Not even weed which starts as a live plant does what it does out of love. It's an accident of natural selection enhanced through artificial selection. So states of emotional bliss do not consist of greatness. A being is judged by what they do. Unless of course they are my enemies, those who actively plotted my destruction and yet got ALL they wanted. Yes, I am bitter about that. I could handle it if I had done well by my measure, no matter how well they did I could say that beneficial things had occured and their status wouldn't matter. Yet when I observe their success it enhances the feeling that God chose THEIR side. That he actually approves of my destruction.
This is further served by his lack of answer, his lack of either a better way or the way I suggest. He asked me "what do you want?" Initially I said "I don't know". But I do, because I've told him MANY times. Yet in his wisdom he chooses to withhold my hopes from me. He chooses to crush me, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. IS IT FUCKING FUNNY?! IS MY BRAIN YOUR PERSONAL FUCKING PUNCHING BAG? DOES YOUR LOVE CONSIST OF TORTURE?! THE SPANISH INQUISITION MAKES ALL KINDS OF SENSE IF THAT IS THE CASE! HECK, I BET YOU REALLY LOVE THE WAR ON TERROR, PEOPLE GETTING HURT, NO ONE FUCKING HELPING ANYONE, MUST BE FUCKING PARADISE.
See because the issue is the more I pray, the more I seek consolation the more futile it seems. I am well aware that his timing is his own, but... I don't know.
Whether we live or die, our lives belong to him. So why worry? Our lives are not our own. We are as abused garden equipment to him.
At this point I went out looking for answers, again I am disappointed. There appear to be two camps. In one camp are the committed atheists who believe God has cheated them. Which is useless to me. Then there are the true believers who persist on his faithfulness. Again, useless. I am aware of the CLAIMS of his faithfulness. I am aware of the CLAIMS of his falsehood. The faithful back their claims with scripture, the faithless with anger and poor reason. Neither provides evidence. Neither backs with testimony, proof, or anything compelling. I WANT to be compelled, one way or another. If trust in him is a metaphysical illness, then in 2000 years an effective cure would have been found. If distrust in him is wrong, then surely someone has walked the path I walk. I am not the only man to have way more hope and belief in God then I see manifest.
Well.... I don't know the nut bar quotient of this source, but source and evidence it is:
http://www.helpforgodshurtingpeople.com/his-promises-are-always-ful.html
Ephesians 2:8-9New International Version (NIV)
8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.
http://www.riverhillsonline.org/resources/documents/sermons/exodus5_1-23.htm
I don't know what to say. The wind is just out of my sails at this point... I'm so tired. Not just in the way of the body, my heart is tired. I long to be cleansed of my stress, pain, concern. To let it all wash away and believe God will provide. Some part of me is aware he will provide, what though? Who knows?! It would be nice if it was something truly good. Better still if it was what I need: peace, freedom, and time.
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