Ah! But what is joy?
Perhaps I will just say the world is a fantastic place.
I'm no Pollyanna either. This world is a world of fantasy. Our entire economic system is an agreed upon abstraction, no fucking physics or material wealth there. I laugh to think that materialism is the biggest lie of all: The more money one accumulates the less one has, and the more one is had.
But I was talking about meaning, and got off on talking about fantasy. Fantasy and meaning are intertwined, I see that now.
When I went mad, and I've never been sure that I came back, I thought the world was my toy and spinning like a top on my finger. Then I came back to what I call reality. Yet all of me didn't come back. The part that assumed that reality was solid died in that heaven forsaken hospital. It wasn't hell either, though my personal belief is that Hell is where God keeps those who refuse under all circumstances to approach him. It was a holding pattern of hurt, pain, and attempts to mitigate the damage.
I'm not mad now. Not even a little. I have touchstones of reality with which I register, and often.
The real world that the rest of humans live in is a terrible place, and I'm aware of that. I'm sorry about it too, as sorry as anyone with a warm bed and full belly can be about the cold, desperate and starving. I delude myself that I have compassion, but I just have open eyes. The pain is everywhere, and I try and hold joy and light within. The goal is to remain stable, rational and cogent.
Programming has produced a new nirvana for me, a world of pure logic, problem solving and where things are either broken or working. It stresses me out with challenge yet brings me unbridled joy. It is not my destination, but it gives me clarity like opium to a man in pain.
I feel like a child, discovering the world for the first time. The past is a different country, one I come from and remember much differently than my fellow immigrants. This present land is alien and unfriendly, but it is unkind to us all and we commiserate in our discomfort.
Poetry used to be so awful, now it makes me laugh:
Ewwy Gooey was a worm,
a gooey worm was he....
He sat upon a railroad track
a train he did not see......
Ewwy Gooey!
Then there is meaningful but funny songs:
Fogging the view cupping face to the window
in darkness you make out a spiralling shape
putting all reason aside you exchange what you've got
for the thing that's hypnotic and strange
------------
Heave ho splash plunk rolling down a hole
heave ho splash plunk roll roll rolling down a hole
down the dark swift stream you go
into lands you once did know
move beyond the world of trees
out into the whistling breeze
------------
My friends all said you've lost your head now what are you going to do
you've been keeping your neighbors up all night
sayin "What the hell's the matter with you?!"
This might sound mean but your digging machine's gonna leave your feelings hurt
you're gonna dig right down to the center of the earth, and find out that there's nothing there but dirt!
-------------
Anything you want, you got it
anything you need, you got it
anything at all, you got it, baby
-------------
Taken from the county jail
By a set of curious chances;
Liberated then on bail,
On my own recognizances;
Wafted by a favouring gale
As one sometimes is in trances,
To a height that few can scale,
Save by long and weary dances;
Surely, never had a male
Under such like circumstances
So adventurous a tale,
Which may rank with most romances.
---------------
Ah, but we're all fools in love. I love myself, my life, and my family.
To quote Vonnegut:
A lover's a liar, to himself he lies
the truthful are loveless, like oysters their eyes!
“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.” – G.K Chesterton
Perhaps I will just say the world is a fantastic place.
I'm no Pollyanna either. This world is a world of fantasy. Our entire economic system is an agreed upon abstraction, no fucking physics or material wealth there. I laugh to think that materialism is the biggest lie of all: The more money one accumulates the less one has, and the more one is had.
But I was talking about meaning, and got off on talking about fantasy. Fantasy and meaning are intertwined, I see that now.
When I went mad, and I've never been sure that I came back, I thought the world was my toy and spinning like a top on my finger. Then I came back to what I call reality. Yet all of me didn't come back. The part that assumed that reality was solid died in that heaven forsaken hospital. It wasn't hell either, though my personal belief is that Hell is where God keeps those who refuse under all circumstances to approach him. It was a holding pattern of hurt, pain, and attempts to mitigate the damage.
I'm not mad now. Not even a little. I have touchstones of reality with which I register, and often.
The real world that the rest of humans live in is a terrible place, and I'm aware of that. I'm sorry about it too, as sorry as anyone with a warm bed and full belly can be about the cold, desperate and starving. I delude myself that I have compassion, but I just have open eyes. The pain is everywhere, and I try and hold joy and light within. The goal is to remain stable, rational and cogent.
Programming has produced a new nirvana for me, a world of pure logic, problem solving and where things are either broken or working. It stresses me out with challenge yet brings me unbridled joy. It is not my destination, but it gives me clarity like opium to a man in pain.
I feel like a child, discovering the world for the first time. The past is a different country, one I come from and remember much differently than my fellow immigrants. This present land is alien and unfriendly, but it is unkind to us all and we commiserate in our discomfort.
Poetry used to be so awful, now it makes me laugh:
Ewwy Gooey was a worm,
a gooey worm was he....
He sat upon a railroad track
a train he did not see......
Ewwy Gooey!
Then there is meaningful but funny songs:
Fogging the view cupping face to the window
in darkness you make out a spiralling shape
putting all reason aside you exchange what you've got
for the thing that's hypnotic and strange
------------
Heave ho splash plunk rolling down a hole
heave ho splash plunk roll roll rolling down a hole
down the dark swift stream you go
into lands you once did know
move beyond the world of trees
out into the whistling breeze
------------
My friends all said you've lost your head now what are you going to do
you've been keeping your neighbors up all night
sayin "What the hell's the matter with you?!"
This might sound mean but your digging machine's gonna leave your feelings hurt
you're gonna dig right down to the center of the earth, and find out that there's nothing there but dirt!
-------------
Anything you want, you got it
anything you need, you got it
anything at all, you got it, baby
-------------
Taken from the county jail
By a set of curious chances;
Liberated then on bail,
On my own recognizances;
Wafted by a favouring gale
As one sometimes is in trances,
To a height that few can scale,
Save by long and weary dances;
Surely, never had a male
Under such like circumstances
So adventurous a tale,
Which may rank with most romances.
---------------
Ah, but we're all fools in love. I love myself, my life, and my family.
To quote Vonnegut:
A lover's a liar, to himself he lies
the truthful are loveless, like oysters their eyes!
“The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.” – G.K Chesterton
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